Decent friends will let you vent. Good friends will disagree with you, but still hear you out. Fucking amazing friends will let you scream, pant, and cry, give you their point of view, tell you their honest opinion, even if they think you're wrong, will straight up tell you they think you are wrong- but will still sit with you, hear you out, and have a beer with you- and buy you a beer while they're at it- will pretend they agree and will ALWAYS take your side, or at least pretend to and tell you it is all his fault and he's the crazy asshole, no matter what. That is an amazing friend and I am blessed to have a few in my life.
So while today could easily be about the asshole who has broken my heart for the Xth time, stupidly in the exact same manner, I won't let it. Rather I'll choose to make it about the three beautiful, wonderful, amazing people who love and care about me and my well being enough to drive out to a bar on a Monday and just sit and drink and hear me repeat the same angry bullshit about some worthless loser I thought I loved- no questions asked, nothing needed or required.
And that is love. That is magic. That is something worth crying (happy tears) over; not the fact that some asshole let me down AGAIN; not that I knew it was coming; that I knew he couldn't commit to me whilst we lived in the same borough, let alone across the country. Even though it was him that reached out to me, told me he would be here to hang out. Don't bother me if you don't mean it. Don't bother me at all. I am done. There is no point to a relationship or ever friendship apparently and I have enough noncommittal assholes in my life who are actually local; no need for you useless bullshit too.
This is it. I tried very, very, very hard to make something happen with this man- I am now certain I am not at fault. Perhaps he isn't a bad person, but really is just fucked in his own way, in a bad place (for four years?!), or the timing is off for us; it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing can justify this last straw on top of all the rest. I don't even wish him ill, just a complete exit from my life and a long regret for how he treated me and what we would have had if he would have just been emotionally available.
I am scared and doubtful of posting this. No one needs to know.
In the strangest most fucked up way I feel good this finally happened. This was IT. There is no going back from this one. And it is a sense of relief if that makes sense. I have finally hit bottom and while it hurts and feels shitty- I know it won't hurt more than this. I just need to pick myself up and I'll be in a much better place. Maybe I needed this as a cleansing to finally make way for someone worthwhile.
He was holding me back in so many ways. This is finally a truly clean start- an exorcism of his ghost and bullshit that I've carried all these years. So much weight given to so little. Really makes you wonder who the crazy one is. But he's still knocking on my door, isn't he.
I hate him. He's an asshole. May I be strong enough to keep him out and not fall back into any traps.
