Somedays all I want is to dye my hair pink.
And then I think about all the idiots I know with pink hair
and swiftly proceed to pull my head out of my ass.
I actually had pink hair as a moronic youth at 13 or so. God bless my parents for putting up with my shit. Anyhow, one pink hair phase may be enough for a lifetime, but my god do I love this color. I just want to jump into a giant pool full of pink washes of watercolor. Death by pink. Hmm, this might be taking an unintentional Sapphic tone.
Mark Rothko, Untitled No 37 (Red), 1956
Rothko did great pinks.
Mark Rothko, Untitled, 1960-1961
Mark Rothko, Untitled, 1968
I have the unfortunate (or fortunate), uh, fortune of always getting what I want. Whether it is a good decision or not, I usually get what I truly want, even when I don't admit it to anyone, not even myself, or even utter it out loud.
I was up for a great job with a great company doing exactly what I wanted to be doing exactly where I want to live, hence the trip to NYC a few days back I was a shoe-in. I was finally getting what I had wanted for so long. And then I started getting cold feet…
and actually planned on turning down the offer and even hoped they wouldn't hire me at all so I could say it was out of my hands.
via someone's brillant tumblr I cannot find anymore, apologies!
Eek. What a terrible little bitch and stinkin' coward move, I know.
Well, perhaps cold feet is the wrong choice of words. The idea of sitting at a desk for nine hours a day, five days a week, week in and week out started weighing on me. I always knew that I wasn't cut out for cubicle life.
And seeing so many of my brilliant NY friends struggling just to make ends meet and a preliminary apartment search and the dismal, dismal options I would have given my potential salary and the number of times I almost slipped on the icy sidewalks and a messy situation that arose involving a dude and too much whisky and… and… well. All that, although legit, are minimal bullshit I used as excuses. As much as I want to move back to New York, as much as I am certain I love that city and my life there and am certain I have been the best version of myself thus far there, I just knew that this job, or any job I would take there or elsewhere, no matter how much I love New York, would make me miserable because what I really want is to work for myself and have my own business.
Cue the most satisfying sigh of all time: WHEW.
And once I admitted that to myself, lying in bed in the dark, I knew that was it. I had toyed with the idea before, but always just jotted some ideas down and then would lose my nerve and brush it off as something for the future, for when I was "settled" and "a grown up". Hmmph. I am now convinced that may never happen so screw those notions. I also knew that if even the lure of New York wasn't enough to quiet my true desire, then there is no fighting it anymore.
Anyway, this morning I got word that due to poor business performance and structural changes, the department I was to be hired into has implemented a hiring freeze. What the shit. It was basically a done deal, and then this. I went from slightly relieved to rather bummed. It's kinda like having a person you were going to break up with break up with you first. And then of course in my typical fashion I immediately wanted all that I was sure just hours before I didn't: a 9-5, a measly wage, a shithole apartment, etc. I allowed myself to feel shitty all day. And then only about four hours into it, I knew this was the best thing that could have happened and feel pretty good about it all. I just know this is right.
Anyhow, I saw this somewhere and I thought it was beautiful and silly and dumb and profound and inspiring all at the same time and just a wonderful reminder we should all write on a napkin, fold up, and keep in our wallets for shitty days. Or even for days that aren't shitty, but just are; days when we finally pull our heads out of our asses and realize what we have to do is actually what we want to do and are finally ready to do it, even if it is fucking scary.
Shit's gonna start getting done around here. All my neurotic, frightened, paralyzing indecision is going to become creative, focused, proactive energy that I cannot wait to release into the world.
