they'll be out for us

"And every night we'll watch the stars, they'll be out for us…" Yup. 

On a bit of a creative kick the past couple of days. It feels really nice to actually make stuff with my hands and use my brain. Between overhauling my resume as well as my sister's and bridal shower invites for a friend, I have been delving into graphic design and typography a lot and am considering taking an actual class somewhere. I really enjoy it. I actually wanted to take a class whilst I was at Parsons, that would have been awesome. Sigh, tant pis. I will scope out both Art Center and Otis to see if I can make something work. 

Maybe I'll share the final bridal shower product once it is complete. Currently in phase 2 of god knows how many, but it is coming along. 

Here are some other creative projects I want to tackle soon.

1) Paint vanity.

2) Dye curtains.

3) Try lost wax technique ---> some kind of wreath design.

4) Design business cards ---> think about getting new email address/website? 

5) Make candles! I already have the stuff! Sign up for stupid class.

6) Learn re-upholestry. Re-upolester chairs, refinish matching table. Sell them. Make $. 

  

things I hate that I really shouldn't

Admittedly lagging on the posts lately. What else is new. Instead of apologizing (I AM sorry though!) and running further into a silent absence with my tail between my legs, I'm just going to post even the most banal of things to at least get to writing something.

And so, voila, here's a dumb list.

Things I Hate That I Really Should Not Hate Or At Least Just Do Anyway:

1) Networking-
Ugh. Seriously, fucking ugh to the 12th degree! I already dislike forced conversation, but add onto that already miserable scenario the sense of fakery or desperation and I want to ram my car into a brick wall. Networking anywhere is bad enough, but networking events are my worst nightmare. Everyone's stupid agenda trying to mask their desperation whilst overshadowing the next guy's… dear god no! I'm not even on LinkedIn. This may explain a lot.

I should probably bite the bullet and partake, at least in LI. I am inexplicably, also immaturely I admit, strangely proud of not being part of this circus. I guess loyalty to my bullshit conviction isn't a marketable quality in this job market.

2) Social Media-
Call me an asshole, but their are very, very (very!) few people whose opinions are of concern to me. I've always been on the outs with social media in that I was never a very active user and now rarely use it at all. I have never had any interest in Twitter, barely joined Instagram in recent months, and haven't told anyone about this here blog and actually enjoy the fact that it exists as a silent shout into the void. I'm only still on Facebook because it's easier to not do anything than actually deactivate and to keep dibs on old crushes. So no I don't care about the sandwich you had for lunch, your desire to constantly share selfies, or how much alleged fun you had last night. The recent report that linked selfies to narcism and mental illness is probably onto something. It all seems like a dire attempt to make the mediocre into awesome. Sorry, but I don't buy it. How does sharing something validate it? I just think a truly satisfied person doesn't need to do that shit. Don't get me started on what I think it means for kids growing up thinking all this is normal. Good grief we are fucked. And for the love of god people, proofread your stupid posts.

But alas, this whole shit-show seems unavoidable in contemporary life. I wonder if any of my dudes in late 19th century Paris felt this way about newspapers and magazines? I bet Degas did, he was such a dick.

3) Going to Bed at a Reasonable Hour/Waking up Early
So technically these are two things, but they go so hand-in-hand so what the hell. I am like a baby most nights, I will fight sleep as long as I can. For whatever reason turning the lights out and attempting to fall asleep as opposed to staying awake until I just pass out from exhaustion feels like I'm wasting time. Ironically, and stupidly, when I am asleep until 9am (okay, 10am… 11am plus) I do not have the same concern. There is something so strangely satisfying about lying in a bed while the sun is shining. When I do arise early it always feels like fake time. I have the delusion that minutes somehow work differently here, it is all bonus time that never moves as fast. I'm an idiot.

This is one I really need to just cut out and grow the fuck up.

But my good I am right about sleeping in sunlight. Afternoon naps are possibly one of my favorite things about life.

I should make a list of those things instead of coming off like a complete tool who hates everyone. Whatevs, here's a sloth.

turn the lights out

Isn't it that we are all in fact late bloomers? If you ask me we are still blooming as it is… at least I hope I am. I'm always left wanting more. As the song says, Is This It??

Long day. Around a lot of people, but I still felt a bit lonely and adrift. So many people, but lacking the correct ones, one. 

This song, its little backing tone gets me. Forget (forgive?) the fact that it is a big Beyonce song; something sweet and simple about the idea behind these lyrics makes me long for the innocence that comes with young love… or love in general if done right. Not even romantic love necessarily- I see myself sitting in muggy summer nights in Brooklyn with my favorites, fighting off mosquitos and singing along with wine glasses in our hands.  

Our love is like xo. You kill me boy, xo.

XO.

hey the gate is unlocked, were you waiting for me?

Currently obsessed with Erika Spring. Such beautiful sounds- both heavy and light at the same time. Reminds me of dusk at summertime. 

>HIDDEN- ERIKA SPRING

from celia rowlson-hall on Vimeo.

Outside Erika Spring, Erika is Erika Foster, one third of my favorite trio, Au Revoir Simone. I'm so glad their solo projects didn't prevent the band from working together again. I have seen them at least five times over the past eight years or so and they never disappoint. Hands down best hair in the entire music industry! Seriously, the hair on these three girls are what aspirational dreams of babely-ness are made of. 

Au Revoir Simone 

Brooklyn Babery at its finest. L-R: Erika, Annie, Heather; image by Magnus Unmar for the NYT

"Somebody Who" is my current favorite ARS track, although I love them all. This is video is particularly stunning.

>SOMEBODY WHO // AU REVOIR SIMONE

from HARRYS on Vimeo.

Check out some photos I snapped at the most recent Au Revoir Simone concert I attended last fall at The Echoplex. 

All above concert images by me from October 22, 2013 Los Angeles show

Fun fact: this blog's title actually comes from an Au Revoir Simone song I was obsessed with way back when I first started this number. See if you can dig up the magic line…

nice days

Not many words again. Summer is official here. Two BBQs and loads of hours outdoors in the past few days. Times like these make me happy to be in California.

Although I wouldn't mind being in Portugal, scene of the two bottom photos. Could I swing it? Wish I was brave enough to just up and move. Shit, I wish I was brave enough to even submit my materials to the job I have been eyeing there. A dream life. The life I have always wanted. At least what a version of me once wanted. Me at 19. 20, 21, 22, 23, 24. What are these stupid numbers and why do I let them have such a hold over me. Tomorrow I will submit my papers. Always tomorrow, non? 

How beautiful is the last photo? It is a still from a film, Night Train to Lisbon, which is itself based on a book of the same title. Interesting movie, great cast and beautiful locations. I watched for Portugal alone. Such a dreamy image. Golden hour may be the best part of a day.

bravery

Bravery, always bravery.

I used to be so brave. Taking chances, saying yes, just going for it, whatever it may have been. The older I get the less brave I seem to be. I recognize the dangers and the risk and find it more appealing to settle into safety than to march into the exhilarating unknown. I miss the old me, at least that trait of hers. I don't know if it was being away from my family that allowed or forced me to be brave, but I certainly felt braver, better in New York. I miss walking through Greenwich Village at dusk. I miss getting off the 6 at 77th Street and walking to work while gawking at the storefronts I couldn't afford to even step into. I miss meeting friends for drinks or dinner or both (usually both) and walking with a smile because I knew I was in for a great time and because I was already happy, so happy. Happy just to be there, happy to walk, happy to be a pretty young woman, happy to know I was a small particle of the magic fairy dust that made up that crazy place. A tiny knob in the massive machine, but a knob none the less, a part of the whole beautiful fucking thing.

Julia Stoz

Am I less brave now because I'm not there? Because I am in LA? Because I am in my hometown? Because I am near my family? Perhaps some of all of those but I also believe it is because I am older. Doubtfully wiser, but I do believe more aware and weary and cautious. Probably safer as a a result, but, unfortunately, sadder. The sparkle has gone and the magic seems to have all warn off. I am happy to be with my family, but miss adventure. Miss being out and about. Miss conversations with intelligent people and dates with good-looking men and late nights out and doing it over again and again. I miss it all. I feel that was a better version of myself. Perhaps that isn't completely true, but it feels true. Part of me believes it has to be true, because certainly this cannot be the best version of myself. I am wasting away. I believe balance is best and the key to the best possible life. I hope to go forward and have a balance of the life I led in New York (hopefully back in New York) and what I live now. Family first, always, but priority for myself as well. My true self. Which I fear I cannot be here. I am not happy here so I cannot be my true self here. Despite all my superficial and bratty complaints about Los Angeles, which I am aware are abundant, I know deep in heart, in my soul, that this is not the place for me. I have known for a very long time. I shouldn't feel bad or shy away from that, but rather fight to use this to get me where I want and doing what I want. I want my family to be okay. But I think they will be happiest if I am happy and productive and flourishing. All I want is to make them proud, truly proud and not obligatory parental proud.

Film Still from A Royal Affair (2012)

I want to stumble upon this one day as I'm riding the subway home after a long day of work. Heading home to my compact but elegant and comfortable condo in Cobble Hill where my handsome husband is waiting with dinner he picked up and Chet Baker playing and wine breathing in a decanter. Where we will have intelligent and funny and meaningful conversation. Where I will speak to my parents before getting ready for bed in which I will recount all my blessing and be so grateful it will bring me to tears as I share with my husband how I read this note and it all came into fruition because I worked hard and believed and made it happen.

Painting(!) by Zaria Forman

who's gonna drive you home??

If you ever want to see me well up and cry like a baby look no further than to this…

"Who's gonna hang it up, when you call?" Kills. Me. EVERY. TIME. 

Even if I'm not sad, but if I hear this song, it is enough to make me a little blue. Sigh. I'm just a big ol' romantic softy frontin' with a cynical, albeit delicious, exterior. 

No major revelations to report. No news is good I suppose. Haven't felt like sharing much lately, hence the lack of posts. I plan to get back on the ol' blog horse soon. Sorry for being such an emo kid.